I LIKE no filter.

Here’s why:

Now that I have made space in my brain for nothingness (see my last post about GLP-1), all of this stuff is filling it. Yesterday, something dawned on me.

For those who know me, I create things sometimes. The need to create is part of my insides. I swear if you could cut me open and take a look, I would look like a Teppei Takeda painting—a phenomenal Japanese Artist:

His paintings really represent how I feel most days—blobby, melty and feely, but not necessarily in a bad way. Sometimes my own inside colors are softer, or brighter, sometimes darker, sometimes even monochromatic…and there is a lot of mixing of strange palettes that may not be expected to normally go together. (For sure!) I may feel more blobby and less melty or vice versa. I have an incessant need to get this INSIDE stuff onto the OUTSIDE of me.

Of course, there are millions of creative people in this world…I’m just one of them. Frankly, I don’t even like giving myself that title. It may be my insecurities. A lot of creative people —actually all people—have them. I realize that folks on the outside of my body may misunderstand me when I share my insides in whatever form that takes. I cringe thinking I share too much, too often—whether it be working, writing, painting, or—God forbid—in real life conversation. I would bet all of my T.S. Era’s Tour memories that there are people out there who have unfollowed, unfriended, or judged me because of it…even maybe the closest of friends or family. It hurts to think about.

I am proud of what I have done in my creative career as a graphic designer turned Creative Director. For some reason, that is an easier place for me to show confidence. Maybe because I’ve been doing it for so long. Plus, sharing that is the actual job…its the deliverable and in turn it has paid my bills all these years.

Throughout those paid years though, on the side, I’ve been told that I’m too much…that I’m too intense. When I was younger I was even told more than once that I scare people. I laugh at that one because how can my big dumb face actually scare people? But seriously, it’s made me lose jobs and friends. It’s made me get in the way of myself so many times. I may be the first one on this planet who has tried to actually move her heart from her sleeve and just stick it right on people’s faces when they are near. It’s not all bad because people who get me…really like me. But it is difficult and kind of exhausting to walk around this earth having to find the Get Me People. There are a so many of the other ones, ha. One of my Get Me People (Hi Rich!) joked with me one day about when I die, my gravestone will say:

The real reason I share my creations, my honest thoughts, etc. is because I can’t not. I don’t know what that feels like…to exist without sensitivity buttons all over my body. And, unfortunately when a creator creates, it manifests into some kind of matter. As in molecules. (Wow, I just mentioned science-y things. That never happens.) What I mean is, once created, it’s not invisible—it exists. If I don’t share it, then what am I supposed to do with it? I guess if it’s a painting or writing I could just buy a bigger house away from my family and live surrounded by it until it stacks up so much that I can’t even find my cat. That does feel safer, but it’s not really realistic.

So, I guess what I am saying is I share because #1) there is nothing better to do with it but #2) I hope it encourages others to share too.What I create becomes some thing. And I’m Something. And so are you. And some of my creations are better than others, and some days I am a better Me than others. And isn’t that what life is? I will always prefer to talk to someone about something deep inside them—the yet to be created stuff—than the curated stuff they feed to people. A lot of people are uncomfortable with that. And, to those Non-Get It People… I get it.

My biggest fear is me sharing can read as ego feeding, or immaturity, or the need for approval from outside things. Ok, ok…there is some truth to that. And that’s embarrassing for me to say. But it’s…honest. Another fear is you may think I am one of those people who is creating because they have nothing else going on…and it’s the exact opposite of that. It’s scary how much is going on in here.

As I mature more and more (and more) I realize that it’s not a me problem, it’s a them problem. And I hope when any kind of people look at my insides on the outside, they do it with kindness and open mind. That they know that I have the purest intentions.

Signing off, I just want to say that if you are a Get Me Person, I thank you from the bottom of my heart—which is most certainly stuck to your face. I am also grateful for you letting me leave it there.

To those people…I like you a lot. xo